Join the Army, See the World, Change Your Sex

By Daniel Oliver

The Daily Caller

March 9th 2015

Transie Mansie, pudding and pie,
Spilled the beans, the nasty guy;
Into prison he was hurled,
Now we must pay to have him girled.

Bradley Manning, convicted of leaking national-security secrets and sentenced to 35 years in prison (though he’ll probably be out in seven), has been granted the right to receive, at taxpayers’ expense, hormone treatment to transition from his current gender to one more compatible with his recently chosen new first name, Chelsea.

The cost of the treatment has not been disclosed by the Army, but we can get some idea by visiting the website of the Philadelphia Center for Transgender Surgery. The opening paragraph tells us, “If you’re considering Male-To-Female (M2F) gender reassignment surgery (GRS), no doubt you have many questions and concerns.” Questions, maybe, but even if you’ll be out in only seven years, you may not have that many concerns. M2FGRS has to beat serving time in a men’s prison.

Of course, Manning won’t get to experience the “supportive, caring environment dedicated to handling your every care and need … and one of the world’s most experienced in every aspect of transitioning and well-being” that the Philadelphia Center for Transgender Surgery offers. But it’s not wholly unfair that there are some costs for having leaked the largest cache of classified documents in U.S. history.

Now, please understand that the Philadelphia Center for Transgender Surgery is no fly-by-night operation. It has standards and “Mandatory Prerequisites for Gender Reassignment Surgery.” Let’s see if she meets them.

What about the cost of the whole hebang? Well, M2FGRS is surprisingly affordable because, like other free-market medical procedures (e.g., laser eye surgery), it’s not mandated by Obamacare. The cost for all the itemized procedures, everything, is $108,000, but you probably wouldn’t opt for all of them. And — Philadelphia really is the City of Brotherly Love — you get, as it says in capital letters at the bottom of the price list: discounts on surgical fees for multiple procedures. That means you can discard every trace of the sex God gave you for only $100,000.

Only in America.

Still, someone has to come up with the $100,000. But who? Why not the Chinese?

[White House telephone transcript, made available per FOIA Request #47cfr0461.]

Barack Obama: Who’s there?

Xi Jinping: Hu long gone.

Barack Obama: Oh hang!

Xi Jinping: Jiang gone too.

Barack Obama: Who’s he?

Xi Jinping: I’m Xi.

Barack Obama: Well, I thought so, but I’m not known for jumping to conclusions.

Xi Jinping: <Chuckling sounds> What can I do for you, Bo?

Barack Obama: C’mon, Xi. Please don’t call me “Bo.”

Xi Jinping: Hee, hee. What can I do for you, Bo?

Barack Obama: I need 100,000 fortune cookies.

Xi Jinping: Ooh. Big party. What for?

Barack Obama: M2FGRS.

Xi Jinping: <Pause> Must double funds to guarantee Republican subservience?

Barack Obama: No. Gender reassignment surgery.

Xi Jinping: Ah. Sorry to hear. We like Michelle.

Barack Obama: No, not for me.

Xi Jinping: Ahhh. You have found solution to Ted Cruz problem?

Barack Obama: No. It’s for Bradley Manning.

Xi Jinping: Ahhhhh! Honorable Bradley E. Manning, PFC, United States Army, RA 12 523 650, date of birth: December 17, 1987. Pasty face. Weak chin. Will cause you trouble, skinny little bastard.

Barack Obama: He’ll be a bitch.

Xi Jinping: We eat dogs.

Barack Obama: We have strict moral rules against animal cruelty.

Xi Jinping: Of course you do.

Barack Obama: Can you help, Xi?

Xi Jinping: What precisely is in it for the people of China?

Barack Obama: Afterwards I may have more flexibility.

Xi Jinping: Ah, reset, of course. Yes, I’ll help. You remember old Chinese saying?

Barack Obama: Refresh my recollection.

Xi Jinping: Give a man sex, own him for night. Change a man’s sex: own her for life.

Barack Obama: Thanks, Xi. Sayonara.

Xi Jinping: You Americans all look alike too. Hasta la vista.

Actually, only (!) 8 percent of U.S. debt is owed to China. The rest we owe to a variety of lenders, including — ourselves! Which, in progressive liberal thinking, means we’ll never have to pay it off. If only.

It is we the people who will get to pay for Manning’s hormone therapy. And Manning will probably be out of prison in only seven years, which means that if he goes on to have a sex-change operation (also courtesy of us the people?), he will probably be free before his scars have healed. What a country.

You can’t make this stuff up.