By Daniel Oliver
September 3rd 2020
The invention at Hillsdale University of a machine enabling conservatives to turn the clock forward selectively allows us to report now on the first Trump–Biden debate, held on September 29 at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. The two inventors, Italian-American sisters Lili and Veri Wight-Suprema, financed much of their research with the proceeds of a libel suit against the New Woke Times, which had argued to the jury, unsuccessfully, that the paper’s description of the two women as “white supremacists” was a typographical error.
The first debate was limited to 25 minutes — a save-the-planet measure insisted upon by the Biden committee. The questioners were randomly selected from a cross-section of woke journalists. And to shield their identities, they wore black robes with pointy hoods, which some in the audience were heard to grumble were shameless giveaways that they were Democrats.
Each candidate was given the opportunity to pick two of the five commercial sponsors of the debate. The Trump team picked Novartis, one of three companies that make hydroxychloroquine, and the Memory Lane Apparel Company, makers of the flying-off-the-shelves “Person Woman Man Camera TV” T-shirt. The Biden team picked Prevagen, the number one pharmacist-recommended memory support and brain supplement in America, and SeniorCare Garments (“Be dry. Be confident. Be you.”). The network, limited to a single sponsor, chose BLM Cosmetics, makers of ObamaShave (“For that clean black look.”).
Mr. Biden was asked the first question. “Mr. Vice President: Let’s start right off with the allegations regarding your mental competence. Could you put those spurious claims to rest right now by counting down from five to one?”
The Washington Post reported the next morning that Biden had given Trump the licking he deserved by nailing the first question and ending the debate about his mental capacity.
“Well, Don,” Biden replied, “I’m glad you asked that question, even if it is out of order. It’s really the conservatives, as you know, who turn clocks back. I myself am forward-looking. All the way from nuts to soup. But I want to be clear: I am not calling President Trump a nut. If he were a nut, I wouldn’t worry so much about his being a racist — our first racist president. He’s like a broken record player in his hostility to negroes.”
Raucous applause rocked the auditorium. It was finally brought under control by the moderator, the dean of the law school formerly known as Yale, who allotted Trump 20 seconds to respond. Trump counted down from 25 to one in a trice, whipped through the alphabet backwards, and got as far as “brave the of home the and free the of land” before the moderator called time.
In the silence that followed, members of the Biden team were heard whispering stratagems for assuring that their candidate didn’t stay asleep.
The next question was for Trump. In a perfect imitation of Vesper Fairchild, the fictional television and radio personality who had a romantic relationship with Bruce Wayne, the questioner asked Trump when he had stopped being a racist.
After the audience eruption subsided, Trump replied: “Well, do you care more about what a person thinks or what he does? Before the Chinese Flu hit, my policies, as you know — and don’t like — had produced the lowest black unemployment in our country’s history. If I were a racist, why would I have promoted those policies? If I were a racist, you couldn’t call me an effective one. As we emerge from the Chinese Flu debacle, shouldn’t blacks want four more years of my administration, even if you and your media colleagues think I’m a racist? I hope you will ask Mr. Biden why he opposes the Washington DC Opportunity Scholarship Program, which allows black children to escape from the beyond-awful Washington DC public schools. And ask him why he sent his children to private schools but opposes private schools for blacks. And ask him also why it isn’t racist and sexist to pick a running mate on the basis of race and sex.”
One of the bottles bounced off a TV camera and landed on Biden’s podium, breaking and spewing tomato ketchup over him. Metasonic analysis of the tape indicated, but was unable to confirm conclusively, that Biden muttered, “Thanks. I didn’t know they were serving dinner, but I prefer barbecue sauce with my hamburgers.”
After the bio break insisted on by the Biden team, questioning resumed. The candidates were asked whether China is our friend or enemy. Trump’s reply was succinct: “No country that sends us the Wuhan Flu is anything but an enemy. No country that steals our intellectual property is anything but an enemy. No country that enslaves people to make sneakers for Nike and gizmos for Apple is anything but an enemy. No country that paid Hunter Biden, a man with no observable skills who was kicked out of the Navy for drug abuse, a million dollars while his father was the vice president of the United States is anything but our enemy. The people who made it possible for so many American jobs to be moved to China ought to be paddled, at least metaphorically.” The room was still.
Biden’s reply was also short: “China is going to eat our lunch? Come on, man! They can’t even figure out how to deal with the fact that they have this great division between the China Sea and the mountains in the east, I mean in the west. They can’t figure out how they are going to deal with the corruption that exists within the system. I mean, you know, they’re not bad folks, folks. But guess what, they’re not competition for us.”
Space doesn’t permit reviewing the rest of the debate other than the summations, which were limited to a short statement. Biden went first with: “I’m prepared to say that I have a record of over 40 years, and that I’m going to beat Joe Biden.”
Trump ended with: “I’m prepared to say that I have a record of over 40 years in business, television, and public service, and that I’m going to beat Joe Biden too — and I welcome his help.”
The verdict of the architects, endorsed by the trustees of Case Western Reserve, was that the auditorium was a total loss.